(art by dadadreams at Etsy.com)
Those are the words my oldest said to me as I laid him down for a nap an hour ago. (Yes, I did choke back tears and lay there in the bed with him until he told me I had to leave.) He does not know better. Or maybe I don’t. You see, I was not a “good mama” today – at least not so far. I was angry, annoyed, exhausted, snippy, impatient, and ready to hand out good ol’ spankin’s today. My blood sugar is tanking because I haven’t taken care of me. Really, the problem is me. My little one is teething and going into a stormy week (google The Wonder Weeks) and stayed on the boob all night. I could blame it on that – but, honestly, I slept through a lot of it. I have been an emotional wreck with moving (more on that later) and pushing through postpartum depression – I could blame it on that, but it would be a lie. It was all me today.
Today, being a mama is not who I want to be.
That feels like a crazy thing to say publicly – but hey, its the truth. Being a mama is hard work. It sucks the life right out of you. (Literally. Note the tiny adorable leach that sucks at my breast even as I type this.) Or maybe its just me, although I highly doubt that.
I did not want to start this blog off with mom talk because 1. mommy blogs are about as common as mosquitoes during a southern summer evening and 2. my whole life right now, all day every day, is mommy stuff. Its funny, myself 5 years ago would have hated myself now. Being a mom is all I wanted. I cried, I begged, I was miserable. Nothing made me angrier than seeing someone complain about being a parent (especially mothers). But lets face it, Ashley from 5 years ago was a little bit of an idiot. I could not see past my own pain and frustrations. But, oh my Lord, people, being a parent is hard and today I did not want to do it. This is also a little bit complicated because right now I care for my niece (nearing 3) and nephew (9 months) during the day along with my two kids. So, my bad days also influence an entire other family which just makes me feel guilty as all get out. Goodness, I have got enough guilt to fill an entire blog alone. But I am not here to talk about that right now.
I wanted to be someone else today.
I wanted to run away, but I did not, I could not.
Maybe that makes me a good mama.