Accidental Martyr

(The doormat above can be purchased at Target.com for $12.99.)

30 Day Writing Challenge – Day 8
Write about something you struggle with.

I am an accidental martyr.
That may be a bit of a strong word for what I am talking about, but it works for now. I say “yes” to others far too much and “no” to myself just as often.  If it seems to somehow help someone else or make their life easier, I simply can not say no. (At least not without some serious will power and then guilt to follow.) I am not saying this is a good thing by any shape of the imagination, in fact it makes me more unhappy than I will probably ever admit.
If you are close to me, you will probably catch me bitch and moan about everyday stupid things – and it really kind of happens involuntarily. The words just seem to fall out of my face and I do not notice until later that I have wasted an entire conversation whining about dishes. In reality, it is rarely the dishes that are even bothering me – I just have this constant underlying dissatisfaction with my day to day life that I caused all by myself. I just kind of slipped into it over time with little actions and choices that changed how I feel about everything.
I have this picture in my head of what I want my life to look like – that is kind of how my brain works. Everything is a picture. There is a warm breeze all the time. I am not yelling at my kids out of frustration and I feel like I have all the time in the world to snuggle and just be their mama. We wake up slow. There is always paint under my fingernails and a camera in my bag. I am alive enough at night to write and read. My skin stays sunkissed and my children smell of outside. I enjoy cooking again and my husbnd is home for dinner. I am relaxed and free and at peace. These are the things I desperately want to say yes to.
Nothing like I feel right now.
Everything feels rushed and like time just slips away as I grasp at the moments passing me by. Really, most of the time I feel like I am caught in a rip current and am being dragged under the water over and over as I fight to find the shore.

At some point recently after watching people fake it for years while clearly living miserable lives I just thought to myself “f*ck it, I am not doing that.” I do not want to grow into a moody old hag jepardizing other people’s time and butting in where I really should not because I do not want to spend the time to search out happiness for myself. I really REALLY do not want to be that person.
This post already says “I” too many times for my liking as it is. I generally do not like to be the center of attention and I defintely do not believe the world revolves around me. In fact, I am pretty sure I orbit somewhere around everyone else. That is just how I work. But, because of that I put other’s feelings first today and said “yes” when I should have said “no”. The unfinished pile of crap at the foot of my bed that needed to have been packed today says so.
There are five days ahead of me, so much packing left to do, lots of hours left to work, a husband out of town for the eighth time in two months, and a baby who is so overstimulated from the past two days that he refuses to settle down as we round the corner to 11:30pm.
He cries every time I lay him down.
My oldest turns three tomorrow – my babyman.
The shock seems to be settling down like dust as the reality of this is dawning on me.

On Saturday, we move away from everything I know.

I can, will, and do hard things everyday, but that does not always mean I enjoy them.
Right this minute, I am not enjoying these hard things.
I am tired.
Unbelievably, indescribably exhausted.
Emotionally spent.
Overwhelmed in its truest sense.
Ever hear stories of someone digging their way out of a cement cell with a spoon? Yeah, it feels like that – like I am ten weeks into digging and have only made a space large enough for my arm to fit.

I feel like everyone is clammering for my time and I do not want to give it to all of them. The little bit I have needs to be used wisely and for my own sanity as well. Plus, some people are drains.
Do not be a drain – be a fountain.
It really is not that hard, people. Start simple if you have to. If you know someone is struggling to carry all the bags into the house, do not give them a box to carry too. That sounds silly and obvious but clearly it is not. Clearly, this is a hard puzzle to crack. I am going to have to start throwing “NOs” around like cheerios at a table full of toddlers and I hate to say no.
C’mon people, this is ME we are talking about. Please do not require a “no” from me. I care for small children – “no” is all I am allowed to say and when I close my eyes at night I look forward to the days they are all grown and I can use other words. Oh, you want to put that fork in the elecrical socket? SURE! You want to put your toys in the potty? That sounds like a WONDERFUL time! You want to feed your baby brother a nickle? I think he’s hungry, go ahead.
Do not be a toddler. Grow up and do not require a no from me. This is how I feel about “NOs”. This is me. I spend the majority my time trying to consider others – at least put a thought in my direction.
Maybe I am an accidental martyr, but then again, maybe you are inconsiderate.
Now, excuse me while I say yes to myself and send thirty stupid gifs to my husband.

3 thoughts on “Accidental Martyr

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